I have been really good with strengthening, but bad with cardio this past week. I have had a friend and Chris wanting to work out with me and I wanted to continue my normal workouts so my strengthening has been increased a bit. I did discover an awesome new cardio torture device today; the stepmill thing (where the steps just keep moving). I did 20 minutes at level 7-10 (level 10 did not last long) and I was sweating buckets. It will help with the hike I have coming up. My eating was so-so this week. Yesterday I sort of binge ate and it reflected on the scale this morning. Also, I need to not drink beer. Yes, it's worked its way back into my life and is so detrimental to my caloric intake. So I need to get back on the bandwagon because I lost more weight without it. I have started using http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ to track my calories. I have just started today so hopefully I can keep up with it to help me drop a few unwanted pounds. I only want to lose about 5. I cannot get below 140 and it's bothering me. I know my body has changed as I have gained muscle, but now I would like to slim down. It might help if I didn't skip cardio. Tomorrow is leg day then will start a new week. I'm going to focus some more on legs next week since this week was so much upper body. Legs and making sure to not skip cardio.

Here's a picture of my dog chewing up some toilet paper. He's cute, but needs to get out of his chewing stage!

I Love Saturday Mornings!

It is Saturday morning and I have been up since my usual 5:30 am time. I love these mornings. They are so peaceful. I just get to drink my coffee, eat my oatmeal, and watch "The Biggest Loser" in peace. Yes, I am obsessed with that show. It motivates me to get my ass to the gym. I've been pretty consistent about getting myself to the gym 5 days a week. Not every workout is fantastic, but every workout happens and sometimes when you have a full life and full-time job that is the best you can ask for. Chris has come with me 2 times this week and says he will come today. I am so happy, but I am skeptical that he will keep it up for more than this week. I hope he will. As I have been working out more, I have grown much more attracted to a muscular physique. Also, I think the biggest issue for me is that I want someone to have the determination to want to better themselves. Today is chest/triceps day at the gym. Since my normal workout partner is on vacation, I have changed up my workout routines slightly. I know there is advantages to changing the routine and keeping your body guessing. I will probably weigh myself today even though my weight rarely changes. My diet has still been getting better and better each week. It's nowhere near perfect, but I know for a fact that I cannot do a major overhaul or I will fail miserably. Next week I am going to cut out sour cream, mayonnaise, and cheese (to an extent). I am going to add in more vegetables and brown rice. My biggest issue is that at work I do not get lunch breaks so it is important that I prep a lunch before. I usually just end up with pb&j or some sandwich. Or sometimes nothing. I just need to prep better on Sunday or something.

On other notes, I got a little taste of baby fever yesterday when I went out with a friend and co-worker who has a 4 month old. I'm glad I don't have a kid yet, but he was so cute. God, Jillian Michaels has fantastic arms. I need to do more cardio today. I have been slacking a little just because Chris doesn't have the endurance that I do. Oh well, I will take it if means he comes with me. I just really hope he sticks with this.

Weekends go by too fast...

I'm proud to say my diet has been pretty on point today. Yesterday also. Considering I spent the whole week binge eating, this makes me feel better. I will have only had 4 workouts this week instead of my usual 5, but at least I am getting back on track. My motivation and energy levels are still low though.

Chris bought me a grill as an early birthday present and I could not be happier! I LOVE grilled food! He grilled me some chicken and it is just so fantastic.

Right now I am trying to get him to go get frozen yogurt with me. It's a Saturday night...most couples are doing something a little more exciting. However, he will not get off his goddamn video game. I like video games, I understand they are fun, but for fuck's sake, there needs to be a limit. That reminds me, I need to call my old therapist who also does couple's counseling...I still worry about this wedding thing. Maybe I wouldn't worry so much if he acted like he wanted to do anything with me. Oh well, no sense in depressing myself right now. I have decided for my 27th birthday to climb up Mount Wrightson again. I may party a bit the weekend before because it is Memorial weekend.

Workouts and Cheez-Its

God damn I love CHEEZ-ITs. I'm eating them right now and they are delicious! And no, I do not care if they make me fat. I may go on a diet 3 months before my wedding, but for now I will eat whatever and just workout a lot. I have frustrations to vent and I am going to do that here because I can. I get off work, come home and walk the dogs. Then I make dinner (which Chris doesn't eat because he eats crap at work). Then I go to the gym, come home, and then do the dishes. What did my husband-to-be do while this was happening? Nothing. Not a damn thing that didn't involve video games. I did try to get him to come to the gym with me for the 3000th time to no avail. Yesterday he did something really nice. He cooked me dinner since my back was killing me from dead lifts. I know it is pointless to keep score, but that barely makes up for Saturday when he slept all day while I went to the grocery store, picked up all the dog poop, cleaned the kitchen, and steam cleaned the living room. Now I know I am high energy, higher than most, but I do expect some level of work to be put into the relationship and I am just not getting that. I guess it is important for me to remember that I can only change myself and I can only control myself. Oh the plus side, I have still not had a drop of alcohol. The beer in my fridge is calling me though. I know I am eating more as mental compensation for the lack of alcohol. My brain needs something. Exercise is, of course, always something I turn to (these days anyways), but food is also. I think if I did not exercise like I do, I would be really fat.

Rough Time

I am having a rough time right now. I've realized I needed to quit drinking. The fact that it has only been one week and it is this difficult reminds me that I do have an addictive personality and I do need to be careful with these things. I have always assumed since my first time in rehab that I would probably be back at some point (although my first time in rehab was not substance related). Last night a bunch of people, including Chris, went out. I wanted to go, I did, but I did not want to be up late, I did not want to be tempted to drink or smoke. What I wanted, and what I did, was to go to bed early, to wake up early, and to get a good workout in. I am thinking about signing up for a 10k that is May 5. I am terrified though. Running has always been so hard for me. I don't know what I am afraid of though. I could just walk if I needed to. I did run 4 miles for the first time in forever on Tuesday. I ran 3 miles today. I think I may do it. Mostly right now I need an excuse, for myself and for others, to not drink. Plus every time I am unhappy with Chris, it helps me to sign up for an event. I know I cannot change him, but I want him to try harder in the relationship. At the store I bought time a steak...he didn't even deserve it. Oh well.

I've been bad at updating...

I have obviously been very bad at updating. Life just got busy and pretty confusing for awhile. I am getting married in October, but it is hitting me that there are some very serious relationship issues that we need to work on. This has affected both my eating and my workouts. Also, I have been drinking too much beer which, as everyone knows, is very bad for the waistline. Fortunately on Tuesday when I weighed myself I was at my comfortable weight, but who knows what I am today after going to a beerfest yesterday. I've been cycling on Sundays instead of doing leg day, but today I will probably go do some legs. I feel a little too sluggish to try to get on a bike. I do need to stop this whole drinking thing. I don't need to drink much to feel blah the next day and I don't like it. Plus with my history it is a little dangerous for me to be drinking regularly. On the plus side, I have not been binge eating this weekend like I normally do...at least until I got home from the beer festival last night.*sigh* I need to get my shit together because I feel everything is slightly unraveling and that scares me.

Well I finally had my first wedding nightmare. The nightmare was me looking through my wedding photos and realizing how fat I was. However, in the dream photos I was huge. In real life I am not huge. I sometimes  binge eat, but I am in no way huge. In my dream I was probably 60 lbs heavier than I am now. This dream did get me out of my workout rut that I was feeling. I was just losing my motivation and not wanting to work hard. Today I did a mish-mash workout:

- 50 squats
- 50 mountain climbers
- 50 lunges
- 50 bicycle crunches
- 50 squat jumps
- 50 russian twists
- 50 jumping jacks
- 50 sec plank
- 50 pushups (I did on knees and not all 50 because tomorrow is chest/shoulder day)
- 50 second wall sit
- 50 bridges on a ball with hamstring
- 50 second high knees

I finished it off with a mile run. I probably could have run more, but I wanted to get home to clean my house. My house is in dire need of needing to be cleaned so I did some stuff. Now I am procrastinating by writing this and not cleaning more. Also, I am drinking beer which is not good for my wedding nightmares.